


A favour

by Zoya113



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: F/M, but I’ll tag them if there are, the Fake Dating fic, there may be some Black Friday references in ch2, this is it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21658744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113
Summary: Ted enlists Emma and Paul’s reluctant help to trick his estranged family into thinking he’s lived up to their expectations
Relationships: Paul Matthews/ Emma Perkins
Comments: 11
Kudos: 58





	1. A favour

**Author's Note:**

> OkaY so I know I just dropped a Ted backstory fic but uuuu then I drew a picture of him in a suit and that troped it so now I’m writing what will probably be a little too long fake dating fic it’ll only be 2 parts dnsmfn

“Ooh shit babe look!” Emma tugged on Paul’s hand to get him to stop walking. “Can we get some tomatillos?” She pointed at the fruit display.

Paul squinted, he didn’t know what she was talking about. “Babe, why do you want tomatillos?” He has to ask. “They look like Brussel sprouts.” 

“I just want to make pepian,” she told him, reaching out to grab them off the display.

“Hey guys!”

“Ahh!” Emma spun around with a yelp. “Ted?”

“Hey Ted,” Paul took a step sideways to stand closer to Emma. “How’re you?” 

“Ted shops here?” She asked. 

“You can just ask me, shortstuff,” Ted snorted. “There are like three supermarkets in Hatchetfield, do you know that?”

“Yeah, Ted shops here too,” Paul still answered for Emma. “What’s up?”

“What’s that?” He pointed at the the fruit in Emma’s hand.

“Tomatillos,” she held them up to him. “I’m going to make pepian chicken,” she told him, hoping after Paul’s disinterest maybe at least Ted would understand. “I’m gonna make it for Paul, that way he was to try it.”

That seemed to shift Ted’s mood entirely. The light drained from his eyes and he exhaled a breath he was holding and cleared his throat. “Pretty good girlfriend, huh?” 

“Dude, what? Did you just break it off with a one night stand or something?” Emma laughed uncomfortably, tucking herself into Paul’s side.

“No, no, no,” Ted shook his head, giving a nonchalant shrug, but he was bothered by something now. “Just enjoying the last of thanksgiving break?” 

Paul nodded. “Yeah. Everything is out of the way now. We’re waiting for work to kick back in.” He bit his lip, taking a step back into Emma so she would step back as well. He didn’t like the way Ted was talking. 

“Oh, so you aren’t working this weekend?”

Emma shook her head. “Not until Monday afternoon.”

“Oh, cool, cool.” He pointed at their basket. “Just shopping?” 

“Yeah?” Paul stopped, moving his basket away from Ted. “Do you need something?”

He seemed to fight with something in his head for a moment before wincing and opening his mouth to speak. “So, remember that favour I did for you ages ago and how you still owe me? Like, big time?” He was shifting his weight back and forth between his feet and rubbing the nape of his neck. 

Paul winced, clutching his hands together. “Yeah? What’s up Ted?” 

“What are you- you and,” his voice dropped significantly, almost down to a mumble, “and Emma,” he said before raising his tone again, “doing this weekend?” 

“Uhh,” Paul pulled at his collar. “Nothing I know of so far, but that’s very subject to change.” Despite the fact he was supposed to stay and finish the conversation, Ted had set off all his red flags and he couldn’t help but grab Emma’s hand and try to walk off. 

Emma pulled him back. “What’s up Ted?” She raised an eyebrow. 

For once, his hands weren’t attached to a coffee cup or shoved in his pockets, but dangled awkwardly by his side so he could clap them together ever so often.   
“Well, I’ve got to go down to the lake for uh,” he scratched his chin, “this whole thing, post-thanksgiving with the family.”

“Well Emma and I already did our thanksgiving thing,” Paul shifted his stance to stand in front of Emma. 

“You’ve got a lake house?” Emma spoke up, but her voice was lost from where she stood now behind Paul’s back.

“Yeah, that’s great. Can I cash in that favour?” 

“If you need help cooking you’re asking the wrong people,” Paul tried to widen his stance. “You should probably ask Bill.” 

“It’s not that, god, ugh.” He rubbed his hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I need this favour from you, how would you guys like to take a weekend away, completely on me?” 

“I don’t know how this is a favour, Ted,” Paul kept an arm to the side to keep Emma behind him before she could butt in. She was definitely saying something, but her voice was lost amongst the sounds of squeaky trolley wheels on the linoleum and the buzzing of the overhead lights, and the rush of blood to his ears. 

“Well it is, and I need this favour. I need you two to come down to the lake with me for the weekend.” 

“Oofh.” The lake was great, and Emma would love it, but spending that long with Ted? If that wasn’t bad enough, there was still clearly a catch. “Maybe you should take someone else? I’m sure there are lots of people who would love to go to your lake house with you.” 

“Yeah, but Charlotte is off with Sam for the weekend and she was really my only other choice.” 

“Bill? Melissa? Someone from accounting? Friends from outside work?” Paul suggested before he could be backed into a corner with Ted’s offer. 

“As if Ted has friends outside of work!” Emma joked, but Ted’s face paled and Paul feared that might be all too true.

He clicked his tongue. “Ahh, see, here’s the problem. I need to take someone specific? Y’know. Someone the family isn’t going to hate.” 

Emma’s laugh managed to make it above the noise. “I get it, yeah, because Paul and I have been that great to you.” 

“What do you mean someone they’ll like?” Paul asked. “Okay Ted, what‘s going on?” 

Ted swung his hands up to clap them before placing them back down on his hips. “Alright, I’m going to cut the bullshit. Can I borrow your girlfriend?” 

Emma’s laugh died off almost instantly, exchanging it for a monotonous ‘uhhh...’ that didn’t seem like it was going to end. 

“Well, she’s not um, property,” Paul hoped Ted already knew that. “I don’t think you can just take her. I mean, well maybe, but ask her, not me. But I would prefer it if you didn’t!” 

“Borrow?” Emma stood up on the tips of her toes to rest her head on Paul’s shoulder and insert herself into the conversation. “To what, hang out?”

“Look, I’m offering to take you both up to my family’s lake house for just two days. You can eat whatever you want, you can go out on the boats, you can talk shit to me whenever my family isn’t around, but I just need to take someone with me.”

Emma laughed quite softly. “Ted, you’re not being serious. You want me to pretend to be your girlfriend, so your parents don’t think you’re a disappointment?”

“Emma, you haven’t met my parents. They’re tough.”

“Look, that doesn’t entice me into wanting to help you any more. It’s a hard pass from me, man. I had turkey day with my family two years ago and I’m the family fuck-up! If I can do it, so can you!” 

“No! No! Two different concepts, Emma. You’re the family fuck up,” he gestured to her. “I’m going to be the family disappointment if I don’t have anyone there.”

Emma stuck out her tongue, dropping back down to her heels and stepping in front of Paul to take the reign of the conversation. “Ted, why would I want to pretend I’m even remotely on good terms with you?” 

“Uh, one,” he stuck out one finger. “You like to act. Two, you like to to hold things above my head, and three, Paul owes me big time.”

“Paul owes you, not me,” Emma snorted. “Wow, you’re actually desperate, aren’t you?” She put a hand on Paul’s arms, leaning up against him. 

“My parents are a lot, Emma. You’re the last horse to cross the finish line. You think I’d ask you if I had any other choices?”

Paul winced, lifting up his arm to put it around Emma who was coming to some sort of understanding. 

“Paul, we could use that sort of fancy holiday.” 

“Ted, can I speak to Emma for a second?” He asked politely, grabbing Emma’s shoulders to take her over to the other side of the fruit stand when Ted nodded.  
“Babe, what is this?” 

Emma shrugged. “I mean, it could be fun for us. It’ll be a fancy holiday that Ted’s going to cop for us. All we have to do is show up and lie. I mean, that isn’t that hard? The reward would be worth it.” 

“So you can play around with Ted a little? Get a favour out of him?” 

“Well yeah, but like Paul,” she scuffed her knuckles against his chest. “Babe, it kinda sucks to be the family member your family tries to forget about.” 

“Oh wow. You’re sympathising with Ted?”

She nodded, biting her lip. “But there’s stuff in it for us too babe.” 

“Oh man,” Paul shuffled back and forth, dropping the basket down by his feet so he could shove his hands deep into his pockets. “I can’t talk you out of this, can I?”

“Can you offer up anything better?” She tried to tease. 

“Please don’t date Ted,” he whined. “I never thought I’d have to say that.”

“I’m not dating Ted! I’m just going to go embarrass him in front of his family, babe. Doesn’t that sound fun?” She smiled up at him. “Okay, come on. You aren’t convinced. Think about it. Quiet weekend away, fancy food, fancy life, making fun of Ted, doesn’t that check all the boxes of an ideal holiday?” 

“Well,” he pouted, “Yeah, but usually Ted isn’t there when we make fun of him.” 

“Aww babe. Don’t get jealous.” She leant up to kiss him. “So what’s the verdict?” 

“Fine, but please don’t kiss him?” 

“I’m not kissing Ted ever, even if my life depended on it.” She picked up the basket from the ground. “Come on.” 

“Please don’t fall in love with Ted.” 

“Ew, babe!” She stopped in her tracks to elbow him. “That’s insulting.” 

“So, should we pretend I never asked or has Emma actually shown someone mercy for the first time in her life?” 

She stomped her boot down on Ted’s shoes. “Well I was going to but you better quit it with talking to me like that! You owe me now, I’m not going to make this easy on you!” 

———————————————————

“Wow. I’ve never been to Ted’s house,” Paul clutched his bag anxiously. “This’ll be a nightmare.”

“Probably,” Emma nodded, walking up the steps to ring the doorbell. “His house is way bigger than ours.”

“Only by a little bit,” Paul tried to judge the difference, but didn’t have time to before the door opened. 

“Come on, get inside.” His hand reached out from behind the door to grab Emma’s wrist, opening the door wide enough to drag them both inside.

“Woah, you’re dressed up,” Emma looked him up and down. He was dressed better than he usually was at work. 

“Yeah, whats this about?” Paul put in, keeping one hand securely around Emma’s shoulders. 

Ted was wearing navy dress pants and a dress shirt that was tucked in. He had a matching jacket folded over his arm. “Emma, please don’t tell me you’re wearing that to meet my parents.”

Her face screwed up as she looked down at her outfit. “Well we’re going on a road trip, Ted. I wanted to be comfy.”

“Oh no, there’s no ‘comfy’ at the manor.” 

“The manor!?” Paul and Emma exclaimed in harmony. 

Paul stepped in front of Emma to level with Ted. “What’s do you mean? Do we know what we’re getting in to?”

“No, you don’t,” Ted turned from Paul to look into the mirror at the end of the hall, putting on the blazer hanging over his arm. “I told you it was an expensive trip, and that went right over your heads. My family owns a house down by the lake, near the boating society.”

“Ted, are your parents rich?”

“We’re comfortable.” 

“I brought leftover pepian...” Emma trailed off. “It’s going to be wasted on you, Ted. You’re too busy eating caviar.” 

“I don’t eat caviar Emma. We aren’t billionaires, this is Hatchetfield!” 

“Hey!” Emma stopped him. “There are some rich people in Hatchetfield! And turns out you’re one of them!” 

Ted didn’t have time to hear her complaints. “Listen. You just can’t wear that. Did you bring anything good?” 

Paul knew Emma much preferred comfort over her looks. The fanciest thing she owned was probably her work uniform, and that was nothing compared to Ted’s suit. 

“Okay. I knew this would happen. It’s fine. I prepared. Come with me.” He grabbed her shoulder and pushed her down the hallway with him. 

“Ted, you’re freaking out,” Paul had to point out to him. “Emma is doing you a favour, remember? Don’t take it that far. I don’t think your family will care how she’s dressed.” 

“Paul, your opinion is pretty invalid in this conversation. You have the best parents in the world,” Ted jerked his head at Paul to get him to shut up. 

Emma nodded her head to that. “That is true!” She managed to put in before Ted pushed her into a room at the end of the hall. 

He rested his forehead against the wall, his nostrils flaring and his lip twitching angrily. “Just put on the dress on the bed.” 

“Woah,” came Emma’s muffled response. “Ted, hah. You’re way too much.” 

Paul sat down on the floor outside the door, twiddling his thumbs. “I have no clue what favour Emma will get out of you that’ll ever repay this.” He stuck up his chin at Ted, trying to seem aggressive.

“Yeah, this is a shit show!” Emma called back from behind the door. “And we aren’t even there yet!”

“Guys, I get it!” Ted pounded a fist against the door, turning to face Paul. “Do you two have to keep bringing up how much of a last resort the two of you are?” 

“Yes, we do!” Emma chimed in. “If you need me so badly you can’t tell me to piss off!” 

“I should’ve asked Melissa.” He laid back against the dark, wooden door. “Sure, she’s ten years younger but she’d keep her mouth shut if I slipped her a fifty. My parents probably wouldn’t bat an eye actually.”

“I think that’s called prostitution, actually.”

“Emma, shut up and put on the dress!” He yelled back. 

Paul tried to lean past Ted’s form to get a glimpse of the door for when Emma came out. He was curious to see what she would look like in a dress more than her monthly salary, but he wouldn’t let either of them know about that. 

“Okay, here are some rules for the both of you,” Ted whipped a silk square from his pocket, popping up his collar to wrap it around his neck. 

“Is that an ascot?” Paul asked, but Ted didn’t answer. 

“You can’t call me Ted. That’s way too casual. I’m Theo, or Theodore. Or- Emma, stop laughing.” 

“Can I lay out some rules too?” Emma opened up the door, peering just her head out. “Hah! Wait! Ted, you look like that bitch from Scooby Doo!” 

“It’s just an ascot!” Ted yelled. “Show me the dress!” 

Emma rolled her eyes and stepped out from the room, somewhat tense in the shoulders. 

Paul tried not to let his jaw drop. “Heyyy, Emma.” 

She rolled her shoulders, shifting her weight uncomfortably. “I look like an executive. How am I going to wear this all day?” She glanced into the mirror, playing with her hair to see if it would sit right.

“Ugh,” Ted pulled at his stupid ascot like it was choking him. “It’ll have to do.”

“Blue isn’t my colour, just so you know.” It was an uncomfortably form fitting, sleeveless dress that fell just above her knees, but it matched the shade of Ted’s suit, and the heels that had come with it. 

“I’m returning that dress after the week is over.” He pulled at its shoulders so it would sit better but Emma pushed him away. 

“Um! I get that your stressed but you can’t just touch me without asking, Ted!” 

Paul scrambled to his feet to hold onto Emma, zipping up the back of the dress.   
He was sort of wishing Ted would let them keep it. “So uh,” he spoke up to cut into the tense silence. “If she’s going to pretend to be your girlfriend, who am I?” 

“Easy. You’re going to be my best friend, and you’re joining us for thanksgiving because your parents are both dead.”

“Oh my god,” Emma murmured quite loudly, feigning shock.

“My parents are dead?” Paul had to repeat. “Ted. What?”

“Listen, do you want to come with Emma or not?” Ted swatted his hands off her shoulders and marched forward to separate the two of them. 

Paul held up his hands, backing away from the two of them. “Okay! Okay! My parents are dead. Got it.”

“Woohoo, now we all have parent problems!” Emma put fake enthusiasm into her cheer. 

“I do not have parent problems! Your daddy issues aren’t universal, stop projecting, Emma.” Ted rubbed his forehead, “god. Okay. It’s alright, I’ve planned this all out in advance because I knew this would happen! Put your hair back up in its bun, you look weird.” He vanished around the corner of the hallway, presumably to grab his own bag. 

“We’re in for a ride, babe.” She kept shrugging her shoulders and pulling at the seams of her dress. “You think he’s got jewellery to match?” 

“I bet he’s got a whole wardrobe for you, your majesty,” Paul bowed

“Oh shut up, orphan.” 

They both snickered, trying to quiet down before Ted came back. “Well, this is going to suck.” She put herself in Paul’s arms with a dreary sigh. 

“Yeah. I still think it’s a dumb choice,” Paul confessed, his hands skimming up her back. “But you look nice.” 

“Don’t say that,” Emma muttered uncomfortably. “If I knew about this, I wouldn’t have agreed to come.” 

Paul’s laugh was a low rumble, “If I knew about this, I would have.” 

“Paul!” She spat, her teeth bared in a warning growl. “Don’t say that.” 

“I was just kidding!”

”Oh good, you two are fighting already? Keep that up! Please don’t kiss in front of my parents, that’ll be hard to explain!” Ted had stormed back down the hallway with his bag. “Emma, you said you had rules you wanted to set up?” 

“Yeah, actually. First, my safe word is red, and you can’t kiss me. I mean, obviously.”

“Oh,” his brows knitted. He didn’t seem troubled by that, but it did seem to be a roadblock in his plans that he hadn’t thought about. “Can I pretend to kiss your hand?” 

Emma glanced down at her hands like she had to double check it. “Maybe. If you stop yelling at me and you’re lucky.”

Paul was getting red in the face, and his fingers clutched nervously at Emma’s arm. 

“Ted, I hate your guts, sometimes.” 

“Good. Get that all out of your system. I need a whole lot less of that sort of talk in front of my parents. Hurry up and get in the car.” 

“So where do I tell them I work if they ask?”

“Beanies?”

“How much do you think she earns?” Paul spoke up. 

Ted looked like he was about to laugh. “Emma. Paul. Don’t ruin this for me. It’s one and a half days. Just keep your mouths shut if you’re going to say anything stupid.” 

Emma had to kneel all the way down to pick up her bag off the floor. “Did you just guess my size?” She had to ask. 

“Your clothes are actually supposed to fit you, y’know, I’ve seen your shitty wardrobe, I’m doing you a favour.” Ted said, incredulous. “It’s not small, it fits just right!” 

“Then why can’t I breathe!?” Emma let out a frustrated growl as Ted hurried them out the garage door to his car. 

“Oh my god,” Paul gulped. “I see this car in the parking lot all the time. I thought it was Mr. Davidson’s.” He helped Emma climb up into the back seats so he could sit next to her. 

“If you two act like this every time you see something worth more than five bucks I swear to god,” Ted shoved his keys angrily into the ignition. “You know what? I’ll do all the talking! You two just shut up.” 

The garage door rolled up, and all Ted could do was mutter and grumble to himself. 

“Paul?” Emma glanced over at him, resting her head down on his shoulder.

“Yeah babe?”

“I’m gonna kill Ted.”

“I know babe.” 

———————————————————

“So this is the lake house,” Ted had sighed when they pulled up like he was dreading it. 

“I’ve been to the lake before. I used to go hiking on the other side.” Emma rested her elbows on the front seats so she could lean through the gap. “But this is the fancy, private side. Jesus!” 

Paul cleared his throat. “It’s almost as big as Hidgens’ place. And this is just a holiday house?” He tried to open up his door but Ted had locked it.

“Guys. I’m being serious, please just play along with me.”

Emma and Paul resigned to leaning back in their seats, exchanging looks. 

Ted was sweating bullets, his hands still gripped around the steering wheel, his knuckles were white. 

Emma sighed, her hands resting on her cheeks and her fingers drawing circles around her eyes. She wanted to make him regret ever asking in the first place, but she had been in the same position so many times it was hard to deny him the help she would have wanted. “I’ll play along, promise.” 

“Well, I’m just here for Emma. I’ll keep my mouth shut,” Paul shrugged, one hand resting gently on Emma’s back. 

“Alright,” he clapped his hands together before drawing them to his lips. “Emma, firstly, stop calling it Turkey day. Secondly, if they ask, we’ve been dating for almost a year, you work at CCRP with us, you’re in administration and you already have your biology degree, and you got it at a real university, okay?” 

She nodded, but was a bit unsure about the details. They were almost a bit offensive. 

“My asshole of a cousin, Rowan, is gonna be here, and his life goal, as all cousins, is to ruin my life.” 

“All cousins?” Paul gaped. “I like my cousins,” he frowned. 

“We get it Paul, your family functions!” Ted shut him up. “He’s a CEO at some bullshit company in Clivesdale. And I don’t want to say it, but he’s smart. And if any of us slip up, he’ll know. You’re better off avoiding him. He’s tall, has brown hair, gets away with wearing leather jackets inside, which is ridiculous by the way.” 

Emma and Paul nodded. “I think we’ll be fine,” she tried to tell him. 

“If we mess up, I’m moving states. I’m not even kidding. Don’t fuck this up on purpose, Emma.” 

She put her hands up in defence. “I’m going to play it safe! Man!” 

“Okay, just,” his face scrunched up like for a moment he was actually going to cry. “Don’t fuck it up. Can you talk like you didn’t skip every second day of high school?”

“Meaning?”

“I mean you talk like a dumbass, Emma. I don’t get why you have to drop all your function words and elide everything else.” 

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that to me,” she warned. 

He finally unlocked the car doors and the boot before hopping out. 

Paul got out on his side, waiting by the door to help Emma, but Ted rushed around to shoo him away. “Nope. You’re on bags. You can’t so much as touch Emma while we’re on this property, got it?” He held out an arm to help Emma down from the car himself.

She grabbed onto his wrist just a little too tight as she clambered out, shooting Paul a stressed look as she watched him pull their bags from the car like some sort of bellboy. 

He dropped Ted’s bag to the ground, handing Emma’s over and lingering by her side, but leaving enough distance as to not upset Ted. 

“Ted, I know Paul’s a bit of a doormat but don’t get used to that, please?” 

Paul’s cheeks flushed red but he nodded. “I don’t want to be confrontational, but don’t make me the third wheel here, Ted.”

“Theodore,” he reminded them in a hiss. “Theo, if you can’t handle that.” He glanced over his shoulder like he was expecting someone to be listening in. “And if Emma really must,” he dropped his voice right down to a whisper in hopes neither of them, or at least Paul, would hear, “Teddy, is okay.” 

“Teddy!?” Emma exclaimed out loud, her hand reaching out to grip onto his shoulder tightly so she wouldn’t laugh. “Okay, Teddy!” She bounced her head up and down. “Let’s go!” 

Paul was making the face he usually makes when he tries not to laugh. “Theo, don’t panic. We’re going to get this right.” 

Ted didn’t believe them in the slightest. Last night he had been looking up plane tickets to Europe. Emma and Paul would be begging to go home once they met his parents and his family. 

He slipped his key into to the lock of the great, white doors and pushed them open.   
There was an overwhelming scent of pine and mahogany. The smell of money. 

“Yikes,” Emma murmured, uncomfortably linking arms with Ted and walking slow in her heels. 

They were about three steps in when the calls of Ted’s family broke the tense quiet, and a small group of people came pouring down the hallway towards them. 

“Oh he’s here! We haven’t seen you all year, Teddy!” 

At first, everyone had come to greet him, until they noticed Emma clinging to his arm. 

“Hah! She is real!” Another family member laughed.

“Can we sit down? How about we go to the living room.” Ted pushed through the crowd, throwing a look over his shoulder to make sure Paul had made it through with them. 

The living room was big and open and had about four couches circling the lit fireplace. A brightly lit and decorated Christmas tree was tucked away to the side. 

Ted pulled the two of them over to a couch in the corner in a hurry to get away from his family swarm. 

Emma tripped on her heels as she turned to sit down, falling into Ted’s lap.  
He grunted as her elbow drove into his stomach, and Paul held out a hand to help Emma off, but Ted’s family had seen. So he put a hand over Emma’s stomach to hold her still. It looked romantic if you squinted. 

“We’re happy to see you, Teddy,” a woman, presumably his mother, took a seat at the couch across from the trio.   
“And you must be his lovely partner! We’ve heard a lot about you, we didn’t think you were real for a while!” 

“Well, here I am,” she tried to give a smile, her hand pushing up against Ted’s to see if she could get him to let go. “In the flesh.” 

“Well it’s lovely to finally meet you, I’m Theo’s mother, Aubrey, and this is my husband Nathaniel.” She shifted in her seat to look at Paul, who had been tapping his fingertips together and nodding his head, almost completely zoned out. “And you must be Paul! We’ve heard so many stories about you.” 

Paul nodded his head up and down, pursing his lips shut and giving a small wave. 

“I’m Emma,” she introduced herself, fumbling with her name like for a split second she was going to change identities for the weekend. “It’s lovely to see you all.” 

“These are Theo’s cousins, Rowan and Abigail.”

“Well, I’m just happy to finally meet the family, and what a great time to do it, thanksgiving is just a lovely time of the year!” As she spoke, she tried to case out his cousins.   
Abigail didn’t stand out much. She was as dressed up as Ted’s parents, and scrolling absently on her phone.   
Rowan did look like a bit of an asshole though. He was spread out across a whole couch on his own, his hands fiddling with the curls in his short hair, he was looking right back at Emma, so she had to look away. 

“We’ve heard a lot of talk about you Emma, but Theodore never gave us anything good to go off. How’d you two meet?” His father asked.

“I work with Theo, I’m in administration,” she raised a hand to bump it against his chest, managing to subtly ease herself off his lap and towards her own section of the couch. “We’re nearly at our one year anniversary now.”

“Aww, when’s that?” Aubrey cooed.

“December 14th,” Emma said.  
“December 3rd,” Ted said at the same time. 

They glanced back at each other, Emma gave him a nudge to get him to speak. 

“she was talking about work. She started work in administration in December two years ago. Our anniversary is the 3rd.”

“What do you do in administration?” Rowan interrupted, not taking time to listen to Ted’s lie.

Emma blinked, licking her dry lips to buy her some thinking time. As if she knew what people in administration do. “Things. Like phone calls, planning, lots of stuff.” Her hands clenched, wondering why Ted wasn’t giving her a hand when he was the one to come up with the lie. 

She felt a hand bump against hers, and stole a glance downwards. Paul’s pinkie finger was just brushing against hers, but his eyes were still staring off into the distance. She let it stay. 

“So you’re sort of in charge of things?” Rowan asked. 

“Yeah. Yes, just about,” she shrugged. “It pays well. And I get to see Teddy every day,” she look back at him with adoring eyes just to sell the lie, but his face was hard, and Emma could see he was consciously fighting back a growl. He was looking at Rowan, and not at her at all. 

“So you can tell him to do whatever you want?” Rowan followed up. 

Emma laughed once before realising he was quite serious. “Within reason,” she replied, taking back her serious tone and resting her hands in her lap. “Yes.” She bit on her tongue as she checked Ted’s expression again. “But Ted is pretty high up too. I don’t know if he mentioned it but he received a promotion. He’s the head accountant at the office now. So you know. He’s pretty good himself.”

“I’m a CEO,” Rowan stated.

“Okay?” Emma shook her head to shake off his vibes. 

“Yeah, I got a promotion,” Ted echoed. “I’m head of accounting. I’m the top in the office!” His hand flew to his chest. “What do you think?” He turned to his parents, who were still looking at Emma. 

“Maybe you could get some tips off your cousin. You and Emma could run your own business together!” Nathaniel suggested.

Ted scoffed below his breath, flopping back against the couch and biting down on his thumb. 

“Well, thank you for having us over to share this with you! You have such a lovely house, and what a view!” Emma tried to pick up the conversation again, switching the topic before his father could make her commit to anything.

No one responded. Most noticeably so, neither of her companions.   
Everyone was just staring at her. 

“I’ve always thought this part of Hatchetfield was so beautiful,” she continued, leaving small gaps at the ends of her sentences so someone else could talk. “I used to hike around here.” 

She supposed no one here would be interested in any of her stories. They were all quiet, and staring at her expectantly. Knowing her luck, the rich probably had some secret anti-hiking society.   
Doesn’t watch was bothering her most. There was something scrutinising about he way he was watching her. 

Her first reaction was to tell them all to piss off, but she couldn’t do that. Usually, she would take Paul’s hand for comfort, but she couldn’t do that either. So she put her hand on Ted’s knee, slapping it down enough to jolt him out of his stupor.   
“Teddy, Paul, how about we go put our bags away?” 

“Oh that’s good! Go settle down, and we’ll see you for dinner!” Aubrey waved.

“Oh, yeah. Come on, I’ll take us to our rooms.” He scooped up his bag and walked off before even checking if Emma and Paul were following. 

Emma had to manoeuvre herself up, not capable of moving as flexibly in her dress. 

“Ah, hey,” Paul grabbed both their bags off the floor, one of his hands lightly on her back to help her off the couch. 

She felt like a fool clopping along in heels she couldn’t walk in, and Paul waited cautiously by her side to see if she could make it up the stairs.

The moment they were out of sight of the living room Emma grabbed Ted’s shoulder to push him against the wall. “Ted! You’re killing me!” 

“Hey! Voice down!” Ted pushed her off him and Paul caught her before she could trip on her heels again. 

“You zoned out back there! My back hurts from carrying this team, bastard!” She kept her voice down but it didn’t stop her sounding angry. “You said you’d handle the talking. You’re a shitty fake boyfriend, Ted. Try and make this easy for me, please! If you ask me, your parents are great! You’re the problem here!” 

His face went through a range of emotions in seconds before actively suppressing them all. “You just haven’t met them properly yet! Lay off!” He smoothed out the creases in his suit. “Settle down! You don’t have to fucking assault me, jeez.” 

Emma huffed, grimacing. “Fine, fine. Just don’t put me in a position like that again.” She ran her hands down her dress, just as flustered. 

Paul bumped shoulders with Emma. “Just show us to our room. We need to sit down for a second and talk about this.”

“Yeah, and I need to get out of these heels and this dumb dress.” 

Ted held out a hand to direct Paul to a door at the end of the hall, and he collected their bags and headed off. “Come on, Emma.”

“Oh no, no, no,” he caught the collar of Emma’s dress, yanking her back.

She let out a strangled noise as she crashed into him. “Can you stop pulling!? I can’t walk in heels, man!” 

“Think with your head, Emma! What do I tell my parents when they find my girlfriend sleeping across the hall!?”

Emma’s face paled before turning bright red with anger. “Well I’m not sleeping in your room!”

“I know! God! Do you think I’m an idiot!? Just come with me, and keep your voice down!” He dragged her along to his room, tossing her bag down on the floor and slamming the door shut. 

Emma flinched at all the noise, skulking over to the couch to take her heels off. 

“Great idea with that promotion thing! Jeez! What a pit fall!” Ted threw his hands out. 

“What!? I thought it was great! What did you want me to say?” Emma’s heart was racing. How was she still the fuck-up? 

“Like my parents care about something as dumb as a promotion! I’m not getting their attention until I’ve got my own star on the god damn boulevard, Emma. So don’t try and talk me up, I’ll do that,” he fumed. He was pacing in a tight circle, his hands on his hips, until his clicked his fingers and clapped his hands, his face brightening with an idea. “Oh! That’s it! Just pretend you’re a trophy wife! You’re just here to look pretty and confirm any lies. Don’t do anything else, got it?” 

“Well you’re sleeping on the couch,” Emma snorted.

“Yeah, fine. It’s whatever. Can you just summon up that mercy and sympathy you had before for a second and hear me out?”

She looked up at him skeptically. 

“I think you’ve got a good idea how badly everything goes to shit at thanksgiving. And I’m dreading it, man. You’re the last person I’d crack open my feelings with so I hope you can get it into your brain that I am freaked out!” 

Emma rolled her head to the side, clicking her tongue. “I do want to help you man, but you’re being an asshole. As of right now, there’s no way you could repay this favour unless I needed someone to take out a hit for me or some shit.” She rubbed her ankles. “But I get it. You’re stressed. You hate your family, I can relate. I came to help you, but if you keep up these stupid demands and insults I’m going to walk right out of here.”

Ted almost sunk to his knees with relief, he let himself collapse on the foot of his bed. “Thank you. Thank you. Wow!”   
He laughed, sounding almost dizzy. “I’ll still make this trip worth it. I swear.”


	2. The luncheon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family lunch

“Oh shit, I didn’t turn my work alarm off,” Emma pushed her palms into her eyes, forcing herself to sit up, leaning across Paul to grab her phone from the table and shut her alarm off.

“Huh?” Paul awoke slowly. 

“I fell asleep,” Emma yawned. “I’ve got to get my ass back to Ted’s room before he gets up.” She dipped down to kiss Paul before climbing over him to get out of bed. “I’ll see you at breakfast, babe.” 

“Mmkay,” Paul mumbled, shutting his eyes. “Love you, have a good day at work.” 

She chuckled. “We’re at Ted’s, babe.” 

But he was already asleep. 

“What’s happening?” Ted was barely awake when Emma returned. 

“Just went to the bathroom. Go back to sleep.”

“Nah, nah. I’m up now. What’s the time?” He grunted as he rolled over, rubbing his back. 

“Six. How’s the couch?” She laid down on her own untouched bed.

“It’s going to be worth it, I’m sure,” he sat up, rubbing his neck. “God. Alright, it’s show time today.” 

Emma tucked her legs under the sheet to keep them warm. “And what’s that going to mean?” She let herself hang her tired head. 

“It means good food and shitty company. You’ll love it.”

“Home sweet home,” she grunted. “Good old family dysfunction. I nearly miss it.”  
She rested her head down on the pillow for only a second, but when she opened her eyes the sun was up and someone was knocking on the door. 

“Wake up!” It swung open without the person on the other side waiting for a reply.

Ted and Emma both let out a yell of surprise. He scrambled off the couch to get to his feet as Emma yanked the blanket up to her waist, sitting up. 

“Come on. Aunt’s finishing up cooking lunch, she needs your help.” It was Rowan, but more surprisingly, he was pointing at Emma. 

“Huh?” She rubbed her eyes, a little bothered. She had to do the cooking? 

“Ahh, sorry shortstack,” Ted had to get up and close the door because Rowan hadn’t when he left. “It’s a sort of sexist family tradition. All the girls finish up the cooking in the morning, mum calls it ‘woman bonding’ or some shit.”

“Ted? You know cooking isn’t my forte, right?” 

“Oh get over it. She just wants you to ice some biscuits or some shit. Just don’t say anything that’ll give us away. Okay?” 

Emma nodded. “Don’t worry, don’t worry. I’m on it. I’ll let them do all the talking. What’re you gonna do then?” 

“Take Paul and get out of here for the afternoon. That man is on the verge of a freak out,” he snorted, grinning like he was doing the right thing.

Emma was astounded. “I’m sorry. Good for Paul and all, but you’re leaving me here with your mum to fend for myself?”

“Yeah! Don’t call it that, it’s just, cooking! You work in a cafe, Emma. It won’t be different,” his words were strained as he stretched his arms up high above his head before tucking his hands into his pants pockets and heading out the door.

“I work in a coffee shop!” Emma had to call out to correct him, leaning through the doorway before resigning with a groan. 

Paul was already up, lazing about by the hearth with a cup of coffee in his hands. “G’morning Ted,” he yawned. “Sorry, Theodore.” 

“Come on. I’m taking you down to the lake.”

“Oh, where’s Emma?” He asked, glancing around, but only being able to find Ted. 

“She’s giving my mum a hand. Now come on. I want to get out of this place. Are you in the mood for a walk?”

“At nine in the morning?” Paul pouted as he stood up, placing his coffee down to follow Ted outside.   
“Do I have the choice to help with the baking too?” 

“It’s a girl thing,” Ted shook his head, leading Paul down towards the lake and off to a walking path. 

“You know, you made this trip sound more fun when you spoke to us at the shops.”

“So? We’re going home tonight. Can you put up with it? Look man, I know you hate it. That’s why I’m getting you out of the house!” 

“No, I don’t mind it!” He started, flustered. “I’ve had lots of personal time, no one talks to me, dinner was great.I could probably do this all week! I was talking about Emma,” he was nervous to start trouble. 

“What? Nah. I spoke with Emma. She gets it!”

“I don’t want to be rude, but you just left her in there with your family to cook? You didn’t even stick around?” 

“Neither did you,” he deflected, kicking up dust as they walked the trail. 

“Because you made me follow you! Hey, Ted? This is going to sound awful so please hear me out before you yell, uh, aside from y’know... Charlotte,” he whispered her name. “How many relationships have you had in the past couple years?” He flinched like he was expecting Ted to punch him just for asking. 

“Loads!” 

“And not counting hook ups,” he added. 

“Well-“ he stammered, turning around to look at Paul’s face. He was just as shocked. 

“Female friends besides your co workers?” Paul suggested, wincing when Ted didn’t answer. “Do you need uh, advice, maybe? On how to behave convincingly around women? God, I can’t believe I’m asking you this. I’m so sorry.” 

“I know how to treat Emma, Paul. C’mon,” he had to laugh. “My parents are convinced we’re dating.”

“You aren’t even looking her in the eye, man.” 

“She doesn’t like to look people in the eye!” He pointed out, starting to get pissed at the interrogation. 

“That doesn’t mean she won’t! She’s trying to sell this, and all you’ve done is sit back and watch. You need to you know, say a few nice things to her! Come up with a pet name that has nothing to do with her height, hold her -but just a little- and,” Paul was midway through his list as Ted picked up his pace.

“Great. Fake dating advice from the IT guy. I’ll turn on the charm at lunch! I’m just dealing with this whole family thing right now,” he shrugged, hunching his shoulders and looking down as he power walked. 

“Ted, I don’t understand. Why don’t you like your family? I mean, your cousin is a little strange but your parents don’t seem too bad!”

“Well that’s exactly it! They don’t seem- anything!” Ted held his arms out to the side in defeat. “It’s like they live in their own happy little bubble. They don’t notice when anything changes!” 

“Um,” unsure, Paul reached out to hold Ted’s shoulder, stopping him as they walked down the track. “Do you need to talk about it?”

Ted shook his head, jerking his shoulder forward to get Paul’s hand off it, simultaneously suggesting they continue walking. “They just don’t care about it, Paul. I could be getting straight A’s or I could be failing my classes, and they just don’t pay it any attention. An A+ is the exact same value to them as an F. And that’s what pissed me off.”

“Aww, Ted,” Paul pouted. “It sounds like they just love you unconditionally.”

“No, no! Stop looking at it like that! An A+ would get me ‘good job kid’ and then a D the next day would get me the exact same shit! No matter how hard I was busting my balls or I was struggling it was the same! Can you ever see things from the perspective of someone without a perfect family? God, how does Emma even talk to you!?”

Pauls eyes went wide, his arms close to his chest as he jammed his hands into his pockets and shut up. 

“God. Just uh, don’t say that shit to me,” Ted huffed. 

“I get that you’re having a hard time, Ted. Emma and I don’t want to make it worse for you. I was just trying to help.” 

“Well you could’ve done a better job,” he groused. “You know Emma isn’t going to let me do any of that.”

Paul’s mouth dropped ever so slightly because he knew that was true. “Well, if it means so much to you I mean,” he let out a little whine and rubbed his neck and his face and tried to hide his grimace. “I’ll talk to her.” 

“Hah,” Ted chuckled at that proposition. As if Emma would voluntarily let him within five feet of her on a good day. But still, it meant something to him. “Thanks Paul, but as if! She’s a wild beast.”

The walking track lead them towards the cove, but walking this track many times as a kid he knew that if he diverted from the trail as it dipped down to the lake, the rest of the land would curve upwards, and he lead Paul to the point instead. 

“Do you ever see much of the lake?” He asked, changing topics as he sat down, cross legged on the grass to stare out into the blue.

“Nope,” Paul squatted down next to him, not wanting to get is clothes dirty. “Did you used to come here a lot?” 

“Yeah. This is the best part of the lake,” Ted’s voice was flat on delivery. It wasn’t the best place, but it was somewhere to go, and his parents never noticed. 

“Paul, can you, can you just tell me how to not screw this up if you know so much?” He was still frustrated, but the lake gave him something to look at instead of the worry on Paul’s face. 

Paul was quiet in thought, and Ted stated out into the lake. The strange part about being so close to the boating society is that no one ever really rode out on the boats, they were just statements to look at.   
Sometimes, Ted felt a bit the same to his parents.   
He sometimes wondered why he should even try so hard for good grades and good work and good relationships when his parents have nothing to say. He wanted to be better, but better than who? He wasn’t getting anyone’s approval. Sometimes the part that hurt most was that it wasn’t unconditional love, as Paul tried to suggest. It was unconditional acceptance, and that was different. 

Once, in his freshman year he flunked one of his classes. After so many straight A’s it was scary to bring that grade home. And yet it was just the same. ‘Good job kid,’ and no follow up. He would kill for his parents to check in on him. An ‘Are you okay lately?’ Or a ‘do you need a hand, kid?’ Would’ve changed his life. 

“Just act like you don’t want to make fun of Emma for one lunch. I mean, she likes her ego stroked, I bet if you stop yelling at her and give her a compliment instead, she’ll get right into it. If you yell at her she’s just going to dig her heels in.” Paul was rocking back and forth on the ground ever so slightly as he spoke. “But please don’t try and seduce my girlfriend. I’m so sorry, but she’s mine and-“

“Paul I don’t want to date Emma,” his lips curled up in disgust and he rolled his head back, just catching a glimpse of the genuine worry on Paul’s face. It made him laugh, just a little bit.  
“I promise this fake dating isn’t leading anywhere. We still can’t stand each other.” 

“Good, that’s how I like it,” he tried to sound confident and cool but the shakiness in his voice and his fidgeting weren’t helping. “You were right about the whole family thing, Ted. I don’t understand what it feels like to not have your parents want the best for you, but um, one thing I learnt from Emma is that you don’t have to care what they think.”

“Yeah?” He moved just slightly so Paul was in his peripheral vision. 

“Yeah. And maybe then your parents will notice something’s up. And if they don’t, you don’t owe them your hard work.” 

There were hints of anxious laughter in both of their voices, like they couldn’t believe they were having this conversation with each other of all people. 

“You’re a weird man, Paul.” 

“Hey. I think you could get in some nice-people practice for Emma by starting with me,” he elbowed him, giving one of his awkward smiles. 

“Thanks, man,” Ted rolled his eyes. “For your somewhat questionable advice. I’ll take it all into consideration, your latte hottay is in safe hands.”

“She better be. We should probably go back and get her from y’know, your mother’s unfeeling grasp.”

Ted wanted to give him thanks, but they had both spilled enough feelings for the day. He just held out a hand to help Paul off the ground, and gave him a clap on the back as they stood up. 

“Do your parents like Emma?” He didn’t let his tone convey his suspicions, was Emma someone that would make his parents happy?

“They do! But uh, she won’t sit down long enough to meet them properly.”

“So she met my parents before yours?” 

“Don’t rub it in, man,” Paul laughed bashfully. “We’re finding time.” 

As they returned to the house, Paul gave Ted a tap on the back. “Go ahead, Theo. Give it a shot. Go win the girl or something. I don’t know what to say here, I’ll see if I can talk Emma into something.” 

The kitchen bench was covered with trays, the oven was on and the house smelly like a bakery. 

They heard the clashing of pots and pans and plates sliding in and out of the oven in an effort to finish everything up before lunch. 

Emma was stirring something in a mixing bowl, sitting down at the bench talking to Ted’s cousin. 

“Woah, hey, what’s- what’s going on here?” Ted hurried over, stepping between Rowan and Emma. 

“We’re just talking, Teddy,” Emma looked up at him with wide eyes, titled her head a little to brush it against Ted’s arm. 

“Yeah, Theo. We’re just talking. What’s the problem?” Rowan asked, watching the both of them closely.

“Just checking, sweetheart,” it didn’t roll off his tongue properly, it sounded more like he was teasing her than trying to be affectionate. “You having fun cooking?” 

Emma nodded. “I’m making icing!” She held up the bowl.

“That looks great, sweetie.” 

Paul was watching, just a few steps back. He slapped a hand to his cheek, shaking his head at how poorly Ted was handling it. 

“I mean, it’s just icing,” Emma shrugged, placing the bowl back down. “Oh, I was making coffee for everyone. Did you want anything?” She leant past Ted to look at Paul. “Paul, Black?” 

“Oh, Emma? Can I speak to you over here for a sec?” Paul requested, his thumb jerking over his shoulder towards the living room. 

“Yeah sure,” she got up, brushing her hands down on the apron she was wearing, hopping after him. 

Ted fell into Emma’s seat with a sigh and Rowan snorted at him. 

“Oh, I know what you’re doing, Theo,” he kept his voice low. 

“What do you mean?” 

“This is one of those things that go up at thanksgiving, where you hire people to pretend to be your partner so your parents stop asking if you have a girlfriend yet.” 

Ted laughed back at him. At least he didn’t have it quite right. “Oh you think this is fake?” He couldn’t be bothered to make eye contact with Rowan, watching Emma and Paul’s conversation instead and trying to figure out what they were saying to each other. “Sure, hypothetically lets say Emma is some girl I hired online. Then who’s Paul?” 

Rowan almost looked like he had forgotten about Paul, and gave an impressed nod. “Alright, well they’re familiar enough with each other. I’ll give you that. But there’s something funny about her.” 

Ted whipped out his phone, his trump card. In his photo album about three months back he had a picture of Emma. She was passed out on the couch at his place after a party he had thrown. It’s original intent was to be mocking, but it would be just fine romantically. “If she’s some stranger, check the time stamp, buddy,” he smiled too wide, biting down on his tongue as he bumped Rowan with his fist. 

“God,” Rowan shoved Ted’s phone out from under his nose. “I know you’re pulling something here. What’s the deal?” 

“There is no deal. That’s just my girlfriend and my best friend. You’re just suspicious because you’re a dick, Rowan. We’re in love.” 

“Really? You guys don’t have anything nice to say about each other,” he scratched his cheek like he was making an attempt to hide his smile. “You’ll barely touch her.” He snorted and nudged his elbow into Ted’s side. “D’you get any?” 

“Mind your own business, man.” Now he was just being invasive. Ted knew he was getting picky because he had managed to back him into a corner, and now he was lashing out. 

“This is all a trick. I don’t believe it for a second that you two are in love. I don’t even think she’s in administration. I’ve been connecting the dots. She’s gotta be some sort of art chick. Did I get it right?”

“Dude, stop it.” He clenched his fist after shoving his phone back into his pocket,   
an artist wasn’t quite right by any sense of the word, but the fact he was starting to guess was way too close to home.   
His whole family was a bunch of self-entitled, rich assholes. No wonder he lost contact with them. 

“Did you even get a promotion? She showed up in some thousand dollar dress and now she’s wearing leggings? And are we going to act like she didn’t know when your supposed anniversary was? You two aren’t dating man. You can go ahead and trick your parents if you want. I won’t tell,” he snickered. “I know you don’t want to let them down. So I’ll do you a favour and keep my mouth shut, kay?” He winked. 

He had to groan. He had dropped the ball there. He had another dress for her to wear through the luncheon, but he had left the house too early.  
“It’s not a trick, Rowan. As if my parents would be impressed either way. They wouldn’t even care if I brought someone!” 

At this point, Paul glanced over at him. Emma was red in the face, her brows knitted and her arms crossed but otherwise wearing a look of acceptance.   
Paul gave him a subtle thumbs up.

“And this isn’t just a stunt to see if maybe they would? Alright, bud. Good, good for you! You tell yourself that, but in the mean time your secret is safe with me.” 

“Hey, fuck you, man!” He didn’t yell incase it would disturb the rest of the people in the kitchen. “Get off my dick. I don’t see you with a girlfriend.” 

“Hah, bud, I’m a CEO. I’m way too busy for that but I could get one easily. I could leave this lunch with your girl if I wanted, especially considering there’s no way you two are dating.” He seemed rather proud of himself, but that was it for Ted. 

It was like his brain blacked out, his sane thoughts washed out by a red, throbbing anger. “You’re a fucking prick, could your CEO course teach you that?” One hand swept out to shove him before he stormed out of the kitchen, making a beeline to Emma who raised her hands in defence. 

His hands wrapped around the small of her back and he pulled her in close enough to whisper into her ear. “Play along and don’t panic or you’ll make Paul panic,” he spoke fast, fast enough for Rowan not to grow suspicious. 

Emma barely managed to get out a single “What?” before he grabbed her face, one thumb sliding to her lips so he could fake a kiss. 

She got the idea fairly quickly, but didn’t seem as happy when he tried to push it for more than it was, dipping her backwards. She had to throw her arms around his neck so she wouldn’t fall. 

When he figured it was enough, he let her fall back onto the couch. He checked over his shoulder to ensure Rowan had seen as Emma tried to shoot the furious and frightened Paul an unspoken message with her eyes to ensure him it was faked. 

She managed to cool Paul down enough for him to at least take his worries to another room. 

Ted flopped down besides Emma on the couch, somehow a little bit breathless. 

“Yeah. Okay. You owe me like twenty bucks for going along with that,” Emma was so angry she could barely keep it a whisper. 

He couldn’t even think of a quippy remark. “Add it to the bill. Rowan’s onto us. What did you say to him this morning? You’re fucking this up for me!” In an attempt to make it seem like they weren’t about to break into the argument of a lifetime he laid his arms around her waist, leaning in to her neck to kiss it. 

“Wow, Ted. Yeah, look at you go.” She tapped her foot impatiently, holding back from scrunching up her face in disgust.   
“I didn’t say anything. He tried to trick me in to saying some shit about that’d give it away but I’m not dumb, his questions were pretty transparent. 

With his head by her neck, it was easier to whisper. But he could almost feel her disgust and discomfort radiating off her.   
“Well he’s worked it out somehow. How   
come he thinks you do art?” 

“Oooh, shit.” Ted could actually feel her body run cold. “So, I was making coffee for everyone this morning -your mum loves me by the way- and he asked for a latte and I don’t know! It was a reflex! I took this really cool latte art course and-“

“Emma!” He clenched his jaws shut as he   
shot back up from her neck, barely managing to contain his volume. 

“Fuck! Did you just bite me!?” She exclaimed, rubbing her neck. 

“You made him latte art!?“ In the split second his voice was raised he saw fear flash through her eyes before boiling into an anger. Her jaw opened to deliver a comeback or some sort of defence and he remembered exactly what Paul had said. He exhaled, closing his eyes for a moment to calm himself right down. “I can’t blame you. It’s fine. We can still fix this.” It took a little more energy to muster up a compliment and force it past his teeth, but he could. “You’re really good at this acting thing.” 

“Oh!” She lit up, observably pleased she wasn’t being scolded. “Well thanks! It’s fun, I almost feel like some sort of spy.”

“Okay boys!” His mother called from the kitchen. “We’re going to set the table. Will everyone be ready to eat in ten minutes?” 

“Oh, I suppose I’m included in the ‘we,’” Emma sighed, standing up. 

“No uh, I can get you out of it. Just come with me.” He grabbed Emma’s wrist, waving as he walked past his mother. “We’re gonna go get ready,” he told her without stopping to explain. 

“Oooh, good fake boyfriend move,” Emma managed to laugh when they were out of earshot of the kitchen. 

“Well I’m about to ruin it, because I need you to put on another dress.” 

“Oh there’s the catch,” Emma clicked her fingers, but Paul had been right. The moment he stopped fighting Emma she was happy to comply with him, and there was only minimal complaining as he thrust another dress into her hands for her to try on. 

“Ah, this ruins all my plans for eating seconds. Your mum cooks really good,”  
She complained as she tried to stretch the fabric of the dress. “I was talking to her this morning while we were in the kitchen. I tried tossing a few good words your way, actually. She isn’t very receptive to like, anything at all, is she?” 

“What were you saying?” Ted was puzzled, raising an eyebrow. More at the fact Emma was trying to help him out. 

“Stuff that would probably redeem me in my parents eyes, that’s for sure,” she snorted. “Sorry, Ted! They’re hard to impress,” she shrugged as she closed the door to go to the bathroom to put on the dress.

It was a bit more flashy than the first one. It was a deep purple and lower cut, but quite honestly there was no way Ted made that choice with any sort of malevolence or ulterior motive. He probably just grabbed the first few dresses he saw before he could be caught in the woman’s clothing section - it was so him she could almost see it in her head, and it made her laugh. 

She would have to run the dress past Paul for starters. Just so he would hype her up enough to give her the confidence to settle into it. Luckily, he was waiting outside the bathroom door.

His face lit up red and he tried not to let his jaw drop when he saw her, but he couldn’t find a way to control his smile.   
“Heyyy!” His hands rested on her hips, swaying her slightly. “Wow, that’s pretty.” 

Emma wrinkled up her nose like she was offended, but encouraged him to continue. “What do you think?”

“If I bought you this dress would you wear it out for dinner maybe?”

“Oh, no way in hell.”

“I can respect that, Emma. But in the meantime, you look beautiful! Purple is really nice on you.” 

“You flatter me,” she bumped her forehead against his chest before drawing back before they could be caught. 

“Uh, wait. What’s that on your neck? Is that a hickey?” 

Emma’s hand flew to the side of her neck, her face paling. “What?” She ducked her head back into the bathroom to confirm it in the mirror. “Oh my god! Paul, no! It’s okay.” The last of the air in her lungs came out as a laugh. “I said something dumb and he accidentally bit me - it’s hard to explain. Oh! But that kiss was fake by the way, if you didn’t catch that.” Emma hunched up her shoulders like she could hide the mark. “It’s an acting thing,” she held up one thumb like that was enough explanation. 

“Oh my god. When I was talking to Ted this morning I meant none of this,” he shook his head, his eyes wrenched shut with frustration. 

“Yeah, no shit! When you told me Ted wanted to amp it up a little bit more I thought you meant holding hands!” 

“I can’t wait to get out of here. After lunch, we’re gone. Promise.”

“Yeah. It sort of sucks, I didn’t even get to leave the house. I wanted to go hiking and boating and explore the place,” Emma sighed, rubbing her neck a little harder. “But hey, we’ll come back one day. Just us, okay?” With her other hand, she entwined just her pinkie finger with Paul’s. 

“Hey are you two doing anything in here or can I use the bathroom?” 

Emma and Paul both yelped as Rowan appeared in the doorway, quickly separating. “Sorry!” Paul apologised as he hurried Emma out. 

“Lunch is ready, anyways. Go get a seat,” Rowan added.

“Alright, that’s your big moment I guess,” Paul gave a hopeful yet uncomfortable grin. 

“Yeah, show time,” she returned his look, parting ways with him and into the throng of Ted’s family to find him. “Lunch looks great,” she commented to him as she sat down, still rubbing her neck. 

“Oh wow, did I do that?” Ted touched the mark on her neck. 

“When you actually bit me? Yes. What about it?” She brushed his hand away. 

He seemed rather victorious about it. “Show that off to Rowan! Hah!” He slapped his knee. “We’ve got to convince him this lunch, one way or another.”

“So this isn’t even about your parents anymore?” 

“Well. I had a chat with Paul this morning, he says some good things for a man with barely a brain in his head. Hey! Don’t elbow me.” 

“Continue,” Emma prompted, settling down and resting her hands in her lap, but giving him a daring look. 

“And what should I care if they don’t?” He sounded wistful. “We tried. Promotions, compliments, girlfriend, those two fuckers will be smiling as long as they can get to a bottle of wine and a cheese platter.”

Emma laughed hard enough to draw some attention to herself. 

“Hey,” Paul breathed as he pulled up a seat besides them at the dining table, his hand resting on Emma’s knee beneath the table cloth. 

Emma brushed her hand over his, squeezing it in thanks for his support. 

“Teddy, don’t give up yet. Emma Perkins has some tricks in her yet.” 

Ted appreciated the enthusiasm, but in his thirty years on the planet he was yet to impress them. He wasn’t going to stop Emma trying though. 

“You’re a lovely chef, Aubrey,” Emma announced to the table as she filled up her plate, quick to earn her favour for the lunch. “Thank you again, so much for having me over to meet you. That’s what I’m thankful for. Theodore has such a great a great family, you must all get along great.” She didn’t receive as much of a response for that one. 

“Well you must’ve already had a lunch with your family already! We wouldn’t want to drag you away from your own parents,” his mother spoke. “And you, Paul! We’re blessed to have you over, I heard about your parents, I’m so sorry about that. Do you mind telling us what happened?” 

Paul blinked, briefly confused. He didn’t expect the topic of his parents to come up, and he seemed to need a moment to remember his preplanned story. Much to Emma’s adoration, he managed to pull it off as his own bit of acting, wiping his eye and clearing his throat.   
“Oh, sorry. It’s just so shocking, it still hurts to think about. We were uh, on holidays, down in this part of Africa. And   
we were all on a safari one day, you know, seeing all the animals. But they fell from the safari cart and all the noise attracted the animals and they were both trampled to death by wildebeests. It was very tragic. Please, no more questions. Let’s talk about something happy.”

“Wait, like the lion king?” Rowan tried to speak up but Emma raised her voice into a wail to cut him off. 

“Oh my god, I am so sorry for your loss, Paul! That’s just so tragic.” 

Around the table, everyone else seemed to copy her mourning.

“Yeah, and now I’m an orphan,” Paul lowered his head, trying to appear sorrowful, and managing to sneak a look at Ted to ensure he had gotten the story as he was told. 

“But I am thankful for the time I had with them.” 

“Oh Teddy, isn’t that so sad?” Emma rested her head down on Ted’s shoulder, whimpering. 

Ted put a hand to Emma’s head, pretending to murmur soothing words to her, when really he was just trying not to laugh. 

“Parents should always appreciate time with their children, shouldn’t they?” Emma quickly tried to plug in a statement. 

Ted sat back as he ate, listening to Emma trying to charm his parents. He was surprised with her work, too. In the meantime, he kept an eye on Rowan. 

Emma was doing so much talking she was barely eating. So many ‘did you know Teddy did this?’ And ‘Teddy is so great, he did this,’ tidbits, trying to work anything out of his parents. But all they ever got was ‘oh, I didn’t know. Good job, Theodore.’ And it was starting to eat away at Emma’s patience, but she had pressed it further than he ever had himself, she was just as stubborn as any of Paul’s stories of her implied. 

When Ted’s plate was finished, Emma was only halfway done. Still jabbering on about all these exaggerated stories about him.  
He was just a little bit flustered. No one had ever fought that hard for him. 

“Just the other day, I had the longest overtime shift in administration, so many phone calls to ring up, just absolutely miserable! And Teddy decided to stick around with me and bring Paul with him, and we all hung out until I was off work. Sometimes I get so swamped! I’m lucky Theo was there! I would’ve had a meltdown if he hadn’t come!” Emma recounted. 

Ted knew that story, actually. She was referring to the closing shift she was doing on her own a few weeks back. Mr. Davidson let a few workers off early because enough work was getting done, and Paul dragged Ted down to Beanies with him to keep him company as he kept Emma company in between customers.   
The story was much more referring to Paul’s own presence, which was confirmed by the way the man was blushing, covering his smile by stuffing the last of his turkey into his mouth. 

“Hey, anything for you sweetheart,” his arm was laying across the back of her chair, and he gave her a small pat. It was signal for her to give in. His parents had nothing to say to any of her stories, and she was almost embarrassing him with her incapability to shut up about all those little half-made-up stories that were secretly about Paul. 

She tried another story, one so embellished he didn’t even know what the original event was, but when he patted her on the back to tell her to give in she dropped her knife and fork down on the table and shot up from her chair. 

“Aubrey, Nathaniel,” Emma began loudly. 

Oh fuck. Ted wondered where he could run to when things blew up in her face. 

“You two must be so proud to have a son like Theodore. He’s got to be one of the most hardworking men out there that I’ve ever met. He’s got a great sense of humour and he’s got the sweetest heart when he needs it. I bet you two must feel so lucky with all your son has done lately.” 

“Oh!” His mother actually looked up from the cheese platter she was snacking on. “You two must really get along,” she nodded, not at all phased by Emma’s behaviour.

“Oh, we do!” She snatched up Ted’s hand to hold it, for the whole table to see. “Surely the two of you must just be jumping at the chance to brag about your son. I know I do.”

“Clearly,” Rowan growled. 

“Well, yes,” his father shrugged, pushing his plate back and leaning back in his chair to give Emma the attention she was trying to get. “He’s done quite a lot, hasn’t he, Aubrey?” 

“Well he didn’t get a promotion for nothing,” she agreed with an out of place giggle before returning to the cheese platter.

“Huh?” Emma fell back down in her seat. Turning first to give Pau her shocked look, and when he shrugged, back to Ted. 

“I told you they were unconquerable,” he squeezed her hand teasingly before letting it go. 

“They didn’t even have anything to say? This is so much worse than critical parents or overbearing parents... they just don’t...?” She seemed stunned that her outburst didn’t work. 

“You can’t fix everything like that, Emma,” Paul frowned, his hand rubbing her knee. 

“Yeah, sweetheart,” he kept the pet name despite the way no one was listening in. She deserved some sort of respect for trying that hard. Not only was it the most anyone had ever gotten out of his parents, but the most anyone had done for him. 

She finished off the rest of her lunch slowly and quietly like she was in shock. 

Ted could see Paul murmuring whispers to her, trying not to draw attention to himself as he attempted to praise Emma out of her state in quiet words. His hand was moving quickly under the table, like he was tracing patterns on her skin or squeezing her hand. 

He didn’t try to scold them for taking that risk. If they didn’t win the fight then, there was no other way to do it. 

Ted plucked at the bones of the dish, pulling apart the last of the meat to chew on absently. Could he really not win? 

“Hey, mum, dad? We’ve had a great time and all, but I’ve got to get Emma back home. There’s a lot of work to do when you’re in administration. We better go pack our bags.” He stayed to help Emma from her seat as his parents started with their generic goodbyes, like they were just seeing off a coworker at the end of their shift rather than the son they probably wouldn’t see until next year. 

“Yeah, thanks for having us over for your family thanksgiving. Your lake house is gorgeous and the cooking was lovely,” Paul dipped his head. “It was so nice to spend thanksgiving with a family again,” he added at his own expense for Emma’s sake. The joke got a laugh out of the stunned girl clinging to Ted’s arm.

Rowan was glaring at them as they headed off to pack their bags. 

“You didn’t have to go all out back there,” Ted broke the silence as they folded their clothes back into their bags. 

“Hey, you brought me here to impress people. I couldn’t leave without at least trying. It was nothing,” she folded up a shirt she hadn’t worn on her knees. 

“No it was uh, it was something, Em.”

She looked up from her clothes pile in surprise. That was a new name, one with no rudeness behind it at all. “Hey, thanks Teddy.” 

“You can quit calling me Teddy now,” he did have to add. “You can’t ever call me that again after we step out those doors.” 

“God, better get the use out of it then, shouldn’t I Teddy?” She laughed, showing her teeth. 

He was glad she was smiling again at least. 

“The second I’m out those doors, it’s Paul time.” 

Usually he hated it when she got all mushy, but he was going to be so happy to stop holding her hand, and he smiled fondly at something he clearly never took for granted. 

“I’m falling asleep in the car with my head on his shoulder. Bam, good dreams for the whole ride. Works like a charm.” She swung her bag over her back, beaming as she waited for Ted to finish up. “I’m gonna go see if he needs a hand packing his bag at all, okay? I’ll meet you out at the car!” She left the room, at least remembering to close the door behind her. 

As he finished with his bag and passed through the hallway out towards the car, he heard footsteps rushing after him. 

“Theo,” it was Rowan. He was looking just a little upset, but mostly quite snide. “I get it.” 

“What is it now, asshole?” He turned around, anger sparking in his chest just as his expression. 

“Clearly, this isn’t a set up. You couldn’t pay anyone that amount of money to stick up for you like that. And you didn’t actually seem like such an ass to her.”

“Oh, you finally got it huh? Good on you. Now will you let me leave?” He didn’t have as much energy to keep up the facade of a relationship. If it hadn’t affected his parents, it didn’t really matter anymore. At least he had convinced Rowan. 

“No, because things still suck for you, cuz,” he had the most shit-eating look on his face. “She’s cheating on you.” 

“My god,” Ted let his jaw drop, a hand clapping to his heart. “No!” He didn’t even care. It was probably all for the best that no one thought he was dating Emma. Ew.

“Yeah! With your quiet friend, Paul.” He put his hands on his hips, swaying happily at the thought of ruining Ted’s life. 

“Oh my god, Paul? No way. My best friend would never do that to me!” 

“Think about it! She knows so much more about him than you. She knew his coffee order this morning and she didn’t even know yours.”

“You’re wrong. I just change my coffee order a lot!” For his own amusement, he would put up a fight. “And she had no clue about Paul’s parents! Knowing his coffee order means nothing!” 

“Well I see them touching all the time. Their hands touch, she can look him in the eye even. Before lunch they were in the bathroom together, he had his hands on her hips.”

“Oh my god. You’re kidding me Rowan. Tell me you’re joking.” His delivery was almost deadpan, but his cousin needed some sort of revenge after he managed to back him into that corner this morning. “Paul is just a nice man. And he’s friends with Emma!” He put a hand to his forehead like he was in shock. 

“Oh you don’t believe me?” Rowan sneered, so happy about the trump card he was about to pull out he didn’t even notice how little Ted cared.   
“Last night after dinner I saw her go into his room, and he never came out.”   
As he stood there in that hallway, his chest heaving with excitement as he impatiently awaited what he assumed would be the downfall of Ted’s entire life, Emma and Paul walked around the corner with their bags. 

“Aww babe, are you cheating on me?” He sighed as he asked Emma. 

Emma paused to survey the situation, looking at Rowan’s self-assured expression and back at just how little Ted seemed to care. “Oh yeah, sorry about that. Paul’s just too cool. You’re a great guy though, so we can still be friends, but we’re breaking up.”

Rowan’s face cracked, and so did his voice when he let out a confused gasp. 

Paul shrugged, managing to play along. “Sorry, Ted. It just sorta happened. It’s nothing personal.” 

“Damn, fuck. That sucks. Can’t believe my girlfriend is cheating on me. Let’s break up. Anyways, let’s go home guys. You wanna go through the drive through?” He asked, scooping up His duffel bag from the floor and leaving Rowan in the dark about the whole situation. 

“God, you’re a loser!” He heard Emma exclaim as he walked out the door, and looked over his shoulder to see what was happening. 

“You’re such a dumbass. You think Ted hired me from online? You couldn’t even believe Ted maybe had some female friends? You’re fucking lame, man,” Emma was chuckling the whole time as Paul tried to usher her out the door before she could say anything that might end up in a lawsuit. “You got tricked! Dumbass CEO couldn’t even figure it out! And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to making coffee! Because I’m a barista, idiot! Swing and a miss!” She stuck up her middle finger at him before Paul could finally get her through the door.

“You went off the rail a bit there, babe!” Paul tried to scold her, but her spirits were too high.

“What a dumbass!” She cheered triumphantly.

He had never had a friend that would fight on his side like that before, and he wasn’t sure what to do with those happy feelings.   
This was the perfect win in a way.   
There was no trying with his parents, but Emma had gotten in the last word with Rowan, and no matter what his cousin told his parents, it wasn’t like either of them would actually bat an eye.

“Come on, hurry up and get in the car before Rowan runs out and clocks you,” Ted playfully hurried her up to the car. 

“I’d like to see him try!” Emma bounced up and down. 

“Babe, please don’t fight Ted’s cousin,” Paul tried to plead as they hopped into the back seat. “You’re really thrilled,” he sounded wary of her excitement, but Ted could tell he was hiding his own pride for his girl. He chuckled fondly as he started up the engine.

“It felt nice to fix someone’s shitshow of a turkey day,” Emma purred to Paul as she put her seatbelt on. “You just gotta pass good vibes like that along the line. No one did it for me but that doesn’t mean I won’t do it for anyone else.” She rested her head on his shoulder like she had said she would, her fingers entwining perfectly with Paul’s, she was much happier with him, and Ted was much happier like that too. 

“God. I better start thinking up some favours for you now, huh?” Ted managed to keep an eye on her as he reversed out of his park. She looked so content snuggled up to Paul, and he looked over the moon to be able to hold her again. 

“Nah, Ted. I thought about it. You don’t owe me anything. People with shitty have to stick together, right? But I do want my twenty bucks for the fake kiss, clearly your family has that money. I’m not complaining if you want to slip me a fifty instead.”

Paul gave her a jeering smile. “I told you it was all going to be okay.” 

Ted turned back to the front window as the car pulled out onto the road, away from the lake house. 

This trip hadn’t gone all that badly, at least. He had gotten some nice memories out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay Paul played lesS of a role in this than I would like in the end fbbd Now I feel like a bit of a clown!! You can pinpoint the moment I lost interest in this fic but I figured I’d get it out before I started on any other work

**Author's Note:**

> Part two might be up tomorrow if I get home from work at a reasonable time? I’ve got a fic lined up for tomorrow or the next day regardless so there shouldn’t be a break in posting at least


End file.
